I guess it is normal and expected, but knowing that doesn’t seem to help. I feel so very lost and empty…..and, yet, conflicted! Losing a parent is difficult, yes….but, when it is a mother – in particular, the breaking of a strong mother/daughter bond – it is devastating! I know it will get easier to go about my daily activities without feeling like my world has come to an end as time goes on, but, again, knowing that doesn’t seem to help!
We touched base every day…..even when I was living in NC, some 800+ miles away…..but even more so since I returned to Albion five years ago. We’d talk several times a day and I’d physically get together almost every day. But, I didn’t realize exactly how often we talked until the ability to do so was taken from me and I discovered the habit is not so easy to break.
I still check Skype as the very first thing I do when I turn on the computer in the morning and every so often until I see the dot beside Mom’s name is either green (online) or yellow (idle) – it was our signal that she is up and OK because she would push the button to turn her computer on as she passed it on her way to the bathroom when she got out of bed each morning……and, my heart sinks every time I see it indicate she’s “offline” – a sad reminder that she’ll never be online, again. Then, I still check Skype every time I sit down at the computer throughout the day to check if she’s online – if she was green, I’d know she was sitting at the computer and I’d open a call to her and we’d talk face to face for a while. I’ve thought about removing her from my contacts list so I don’t see that constant reminder, but I just can’t bring myself to do it! Hopefully, the urge to check will go away at some point…….
I still reach for the phone constantly throughout the day as I realize I called her to tell her EVERYTHING…….as I check the evening TV shows, I think I should call to remind her a show she likes is on and “new”…….when I left from having blood drawn, my first thought was to call her to tell her there is a new girl there and about my experience…….when I think about grabbing something to eat, I think I should call to see if she is up to going out or if she wants me to bring her a take out…….when I was getting ready to mow the lawn, I started to call to tell her I’d be on the mower so she’d know why I didn’t answer the phone if she calls…….and when I finished, I started to call to tell her I was done…….when I’m out running errands, I start to call to see if she needs anything while I’m out and about and when I get home, I think about calling to tell her where I went and who I ran into…….as I’m driving around, I reach for the bluetooth button to call her to talk while I drive…….when I see something on Facebook, the Hub, an obit, or anything I think she’d want to read or know about, I reach for the phone to call and tell her to check it out……..a neighbor brought me some brownies and my first thought was to call and tell Mom I had brownies and I’ll save her a few……..I left the Gaines Town Hall yesterday and I reached for the bluetooth button to call and tell her I voted…….there was a little accident at my house the other day and my first thought was to call and tell her about it……I know that when I leave Dawn’s after she does my hair later today, the urge to call Mom on my way home will be overwhelming and the urge to Skype her to show her how nice it turned out will bring on the tears…….heck, I even started to call her while I was writing her obituary because I couldn’t remember when she retired from GE and thought I’d just call and ask her!!! And, so it goes……all day long……with everything I do or think about……I am totally lost without the ability to call and tell her about it!
And……all that is in addition to the thoughts about planning to pop in at her house to bring her groceries, something for dinner, grab her mail, see if she needs anything, or just to chat…..as if we could possibly find something to chat about after all the calls and Skypes all day! I go to put something on my calendar and my first thought is to be sure it doesn’t conflict with her schedule or appointments or when I plan to go out there.
I still haven’t gone to the store to pick up some much needed groceries…….because I ran in to Tops the day Ronald arrived to stock up on a few things for while he was here and everything I looked at made me think of Mom……I thought I should get two of something because Mom would like some, too……I wondered if her bananas were getting old or if she was out and if I should grab a bunch for her…….I thought about calling her when I reached for a bottle of milk to see if she needed any…….I rarely ever got groceries without picking up a few things for her, too……I’m worried that I’ll find myself crying in the freezer section because I know I don’t need to put a pint of Perry’s French Vanilla ice cream in my cart for Mom!!! So, I don’t go…..I eat out or grab something from a drive thru and I make due with what little is left in the house to eat! I haven’t had much of an appetite, anyway – I think I’m hungry and order a meal and only eat a portion of it…..it has only been the last day or two that I’ve actually finished a meal here and there! But…..I need to give in and go to the grocery store soon!
There is such a HUGE void in my life…..in my days……in my heart…….in me! I always found the joy and positive side to everything…..and I have been struggling to do that – even with things that are easy to see the up side on! I tend to always add a “but” to put a positive spin on the crappy stuff……and, now I am finding myself adding a “but” to put a negative spin on the good stuff……like, for instance, I smile when I see all the posts from the local greenhouses showing how well their plants are coming along to get ready for the planting seasons and then I think of how Mom and I used to love to do the cemetery flowers and shop for her hanging baskets and patio flowers and how we won’t be able to share that this Spring…..or ever again…..and, how the cemetery flowers will now be in her honor as well as the other family members…..and that just isn’t supposed to be!!!
And, yet…….I sit here watching the birds at my feeders and thinking of getting my gardens ready for the season and making plans for summer adventures and a cruise that has been booked for months and I see the sun shining and I find some joy in these things……and I agree that there is no reason to feel guilty about that! So, I guess I still have some “buts” in me to add a positive spin to things, after all…….I just need to find a way to stop reaching for the phone over every little thing……I need to just talk without it – I know she’ll hear me – I know I don’t need that old phone or my Skype account or anything else to talk to her, now – now, I can just talk, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing….or I can include her in the conversations I already have at the cemetery when I go out to tend the flowers and visit the rest of the family……I will fill that void in other ways……and I will stop thinking the phone is my life line…….and my joy will return!!!